STEPHEN COLBERT - LIKE A PUNCH IN THE FACE! HURRY UP FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! Stephen Colbert's White House Correspondents' Association Dinner performance has few precedents in recent pop culture history, and thankfully, YouTube.com has it in its entirety, split into three parts (Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3). I don't really feel like I need to say much about it, as Colbert speaks so eloquently for himself. I would, however, like to point out that, once again, it takes a jester to speak truth to power. And I don't just mean Preznit Dubya, here. If anything, the "correspondents" part of the "White House correspondents association" gets it even worse than the bogus POTUS. If you have an internet connection that's too slow for video, here's a full transcript for you to peruse. And, in further news that Daily Dirt readers knew three years before the mainstream media caught on, it turns out that the White House's revenge outing of CIA operative Valerie Plame (and, consequently, the dismantling of CIA front-company Brewster-Jennings & Associates) did, indeed cause great damage to America's intelligence gathering capabilities, especially (and conveniently) in Iran. Attention all Michael Jackson fans! See if you can spot the exclusive Neverland security camera footage contained in this commercial for the intense new action/fantasy toy known as The OOZINATOR! BWAH-HA-HA-HA!!! The law finally caught up to your ass, Rush Limbaugh, you pompous, hypocritical fuck! Something tells yer old pal Jerky ol' Rushbo might be making a run for the Mexican border soon, in light of recent drug-law-related developments down there. Considering the line of work he's chosen for himself, what do you figure the odds are that this idiot will be needing a second "Terminator Eye" in the very near future? This Emory University study of self-identified political partisans has yielded some intriguing results, and a single rather obvious one: "supporters of Preznit Dubya and other conservatives had stronger self-admitted and implicit biases against blacks than liberals did." Pamela Rogers is a former Tennessee school teacher who went to jail for having sex with one of her 14 year old male students. Yesterday she was arrested again after police found out she was sending the boy racy videos that she filmed with her cell phone. Here's the smokin' hot video that got her thrown back in the slammer. Whatever you do, don't watch this video. I'm being serious, here. No joke. Do NOT watch it. You have been warned. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY April 26 On this day in 1986, a nuclear reactor at the Chernobyl power plant in the Soviet Union melts down, killing 31 and irradiating hundreds of thousands more. It is the worst nuclear accident in history. Meanwhile, half a world away, Kennedy clan-member Maria Shriver marries steroid-addled Austrian freak-of-nature Arnold Schwarzenthingy. Coincidence? You be the judge! On this day in 1937, the Nazis test the bombing capabilities of their newly inaugurated Luftwaffe air force on the tiny Spanish town of Guernica, with Generalisimo Francisco Franco's consent. For three hours, German planes poured bombs on the town in what was history's first ever bombing of purely civilian targets, a tactic that would later be enthusiastically adopted by both sides during World War II, at the ultimate cost of millions of innocent lives. The attack inspired Picasso to paint his great masterpiece, Guernica. This day in the year 1992 is a dark day for the glass teat, as two of the most ground-breaking, taboo-smashing, form-reinventing television sitcoms ever to grace the airwaves -- Who's The Boss? and Growing Pains -- end their long and illustrious runs by bidding bitter adieux to a saddened nation's couch potatoes… On this day in 1982, British rocker Rod Stewart is mugged by a gun-wielding thug who makes off with his $50,000 Porsche. Stewart is so distraught that he heads straight to the nearest hospital and has a gallon of sperm pumped from his stomach.

THEY SAID IT! "We have so many mysterious rich people. Others admire their money but they question the morality of it. You've got to be rich silently." - Victor Yuan, a senior analyst at Horizon Research Group in Beijing, gives tips on being a discrete billionaire in an ostensibly communist nation. *** **** *** "Just go to Texas and suck George Bush's dick." - Oh Madonna, you controversy-courting rabble-rouser you!

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by David! A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen" he replies. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast? *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Wally for sending in today's second joke. Q: What happens when Cheney gets an erection? A: George W. Bush gets taller. WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Nasir... A receptionist says to a little old man, "That will be a $5 co-pay please." He hands her a $20, and she asks "Do you have anything smaller?" He replies, "Yes, but I'm sure you don't want to see it."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: STEMMING THE TIDE OF ILLEGALS care of: An Old Marine Hugs and kisses to MOPJ; I was a recent recipient of an e-letter that is being circulated by people who are incensed about the proposed Brown Out (or Mexi-cott) the Latino community has worked up for this coming Uno de Mayo. As a form of retaliation, the author of said letter suggests that all of us good WHITE Americans save our shopping for May 1st in order to offset any negative economic impact that a national Latino display of economic force might have. If we wanna talk about illegal immigration, let's go back to 1492. I see the international migration of the world's peoples as a force of Nature. It's like the tide, and it won't stop just because we have a distaste for what washes up on the beach. The real cause of the size of America's illegal immigration problem is that contractors and other employers know they can hire unreported illegals for a fraction of what 'legit' employees would cost them, and the risk of being penalized for this crime is small. These employers pay undocumented workers with cash, they don't provide them with ANY benefits, they don't withhold taxes and Social Security, they pay them less per hour, and they don't pay them overtime. This set of circumstances leads Right Wing Ninnies to insanely conclude that the handiwork of meddlesome Labor Unions has brought this about. Since the Right is irreparably mentally diminished, they can all go stick their collective heads up their collective dumb asses. Since the contractor's workforce payroll is cheaper, he can undercut bids of his competitors who employ a legal work force. And since illegal contractors submit lower bids, they get more contracts. Until the people who hire the contractors insist that the contractor's workforce is comprised of legal residents who are properly reported for tax and liability purposes, the temptation will be too great to have work done on the cheap. I can't hate a guy from Tijuana just because he wants to make a better life for his family. If it were more worthwhile to the immigrant to come here legally, and if it were less worthwhile for him to come here illegally, we would be on our way to solving the illegal immigration problems that we have at ALL of our borders (not just the Southern one). If homeowners AND contractors (and all other employers of illegals) were consistently fined and jailed for using undocumented workers, the demand for illegal immigrant labor would evaporate, and this problem would begin to rapidly diminish. And there is nothing so useless as an unenforced law. Somebody tell Lou Dobbs. An Old Marine Smyrna TN [Thanks for a rare bit of sanity on this subject, sir. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Hi Jerky, Wow, I know what you mean, about feeling sad, while watching Carson interview Zappa. Makes me realise just how much I miss them both. With Zappa, it's a little different, because any time I want to hear him, I just flick a switch and crank it up. He's never further away than the nearest tape deck, or CD player. Carson, on the other hand, is truly missed. I watch Letterman, and it's fun, but damn, I miss the MASTER. I'd look into some 'Best of Carson' vids, but I don't like anthologies of what others consider to be his best... it was ALL his best. Jay Leno is a dick, and if I had my way, he'd be cancelled, and the network would be running nightly reruns of the Carson show, in it's entirety. Note how he makes Mr. Zappa feel completely at ease, and how he handles this interview masterfully... Carson was the consummate professional, the likes of which we'll probably never see again. So, yes it is sad, to see these two legends, and realise just how much I miss their pearls of wit, and wisdom. Imagine if they were with us today... what would they both have to say about Georgie the wonder chimp, and his war on Iraq? I'm sure that both opinions would be heartfelt, hard hitting, and downright hilarious. Godzilladammit... I miss these guys. Tuscarora [You and me both, bud. - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky; A friend of mine sent this to me. It is not for the faint-hearted. If you have a weak stomach, then don't click on the link below. It is a picture of a suicide jumper taken shortly after he landed. It shows him with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders. The faces of the bystanders are why I believe this is real. Eric [That's damn disturbing. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Thanks for the memories. Zappa and Carson are still as telling now as then. Cheers, YOPMick [You're very welcome. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Check this awesome animation out. It plays like a fight video game and has guest appearances from Sammo Hung, Carl Weathers, John Goodman from the Big Lebowski, Christopher Walken and hundreds of zombie babies. ContagiousCargo [That's pretty cool. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; This is a must-see. I had to play it twice. Once to get it downloaded (too jerky to watch and video gone), and once to really watch it. Watch it and ask yourself if it is true. I believe it is and have checked some of the "facts" and found them to be as stated. Maybe it is time to be concerned. David A [Not since Vietnam have peaceful protests inspired such a rabid and paranoid backlash. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; I really had no idea how to spot a terrorist until I studied the manuals published by the Phoenix FBI, the state employees of Virginia, and the Texas Department of Public Safety. Now that I have absorbed these manuals, I not only know how to spot a terrorist, but I have discovered that I probably am a terrorist. RASTY [Better turn yourself in, then. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; In the April 24 Dirt, the links on "by any means necessary" and "foster the rumors" didn't work. McTubers [Here you go: by any means necessary and helped foster the rumors. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com